January 25, 2013

Family Feuds

Nothing makes good drama quite like trouble in the family; some families like to spend their evening sitting around a dinner table and discussing the week’s events. Other families want to kill each other. Here are 5 families with issues.






5000186951The Skywalker Clan (Star Wars Saga): Poor Anakin Skywalker used to get bullied in school because people kept calling him a girl’s name (Annie). This would later develop into an almost unhealthy obsession he would have with his mother and affect all his future relationships. When his mother is murdered by some Tusken Raiders he does the only thing a sane person would do and kill every man, woman and child in the Tusken Raider’s camp. He will feel guilt for about 15 seconds but quickly move on as he tries to get together with Padme Amidala. He will also develop an aversion to sand, which apparently gets everywhere. Once he eventually gets together with Padme, he develops a similar obsession with her which will ultimately lead to her demise at his hands followed by him lying with no legs on a volcanic planet. He will also murder a room of unarmed completely innocent children to show that he was well and truly turned to the dark-side. Now that he has become the most evil man in the galaxy and become Darth Vader, he will spend 20 odd years ruling with an iron fist with his on/off boyfriend Emperor Palpatine. Later, his son Luke Skywalker will appear on the scene and blow up his pet project The Death Star. Vader feels the force in this young man and then realises it’s his son. After they meet and have a lightsaber battle, Vader cuts off Luke’s hand and decides that this is a good time to let him know he’s his dad… so let’s just forget about the whole hand cutting off thing, eh son? So Luke has a bit of trouble adjusting to the fact his paw is a child killing, world destroying monster, as one would. After spending some quality time with some cuddly teddy bears, Luke eventually decides that it’s time to turn his father from the dark side and go fishing together. The Emperor has a problem with this and decides to electrocute Luke, but Vader gets jealous and throws the Emperor to his doom thus finding redemption for destroying planets, killing his wife, murdering unarmed children, killing an entire clan of Tusken Raiders and being solely responsible for the downfall of the Jedi. Alas, poor Darth doesn’t survive and Luke goes up to the cottage by himself for the weekend and toasts marshmallows on his father’s burning corpse. And you thought you had issues?

thor_and_loki__brothers_wallpaper_by_minirifpomsiyu-d4wbk7gThor & Loki (Thor/The Avengers): Squabbling siblings can be tough but they can be even tougher if they just so happen to be Gods. Loki was born as a frost giant who was kidnapped by Anthony Hopkins who always wanted his very own blue baby with red glowing eyes. To avoid creeping the bejesus out of normal people, Loki could shape shift to look more human. As the years went by Loki would begin to develop jealousy towards his surfer dude brother Thor, who has luscious blond locks, great battle skills and a large hammer for the ladies. Due to this obsession, Loki will engineer it so Thor ends up getting banished to some puny planet called Earth. Thor will also hook up with Padme which is another thing for Anakin to get pissed about, sorry Annie. Now that Thor’s arrogance has got him banished, it’s up to Loki to rule Asgard as the rightful king. He sends a big robot to Earth to finish off his brother who discovers humility by beating the shit out of things with his big hammer. The robot doesn’t last long and Thor makes his way back to Asgard to have a fireside chat with his brother. They beat the snot out of each other and destroy a lovely rainbow bridge in the sky; Loki falls into a black hole… gone… or is he? Nope, Loki returns to reek revenge on Earth/Thor and what better way than to bring some large flying whales and an army of undeveloped villains called the Chitauri. After a lot of squabbling and Hulk smashing, Loki and Thor have another battle where Thor keeps trying to reason with his brother; Loki is beyond reason however, so it’s up to the Hulk to pimp slap the shit out of Loki and leave him in a crumpled heap on the floor. The Avengers destroy the flying whales and Greenpeace get really upset; Loki is sent to the Phantom Zone… oh wait, wrong franchise… Asgard where he will be imprisoned and all is now right with the world. So, remember kids, if someone wants you to adopt a blue baby with red glowing eyes, best to keep on walking.

warrior-2011-movieBrendan & Tommy Conlon (Warrior): There’s nothing Godly about these two human siblings; but what would you do if you found out your brother was Bane?

Brendan Conlon is a happily married, school teacher who enjoys beating the crap out of people in his spare time. When his ex-alcoholic father turns up to let him know his brother Tommy is back from the army, the reunion is anything but happy. Both brothers have real issues with their dad who was apparently very abusive when he was a drunk. Tommy felt abandoned when his brother buggered off to get married and live far away, leaving Tommy to protect his mum from his drunken dad. The two brothers decide the best way to work things out is to enter an MMA tournament and beat lots of people up and then each other. By the end of the story, the two brothers have practically killed each other in the ring but they are reconciled with each other and their dad and live happily ever after.

002Charlie & Bobby Fontaine (Brawler): Two brothers who do not have such a happy ending; both are fighters who earn their money by kicking ass. Younger brother Bobby is a bit of a dick and ends up owing the wrong people a lot of money. When his debtors come to collect they end up hitting his brother Charlie in the leg with a baseball bat, essentially crippling him. Charlie retires from fighting and becomes a construction worker instead and marries his sweetheart. Happiness doesn’t stick around too long though when his piece of shit brother shows up looking to crash at his place for a while. Bobby still fights in his spare time while Charlie earns an honest living trying to support his wife. One evening while doing a catering job Bobby loses his shit and goes back home early. He ends up having sex with is brother’s wife and gets caught in the act. His brother beats the crap out of him but stops himself saying they will fight in the ring. Bobby continues to spiral out of control and eventually ends up nearly killing a man. When the two brothers meet in the ring Charlie literally strangles his brother and stops just before he kills him. It’s a vicious fight, which pulls no punches. By the end Bobby goes to jail for the near murder of the baseball bat wielding guy from earlier. Charlie comes to prison and they both lift up the phone to talk to each other. Reconciliation. The end. Hardly happy though as Bobby will spend the rest of his life in jail. Good times.

jack nicholson in the shiningThe Torrance Family (The Shining): It was meant to be a cushy babysitting job; just spend the winter in a hotel and take care of of it… what could possibly go wrong? Did I mention the hotel was HAUNTED?!?!? Well it is, so anyway Jack Torrance begins to find his writing mojo but as the seemingly endless winter plows on he realises that All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy. He starts talking to ghosts (as one does) but things get slightly weird when the blood starts pouring from the elevator… coulda sworn I fixed that. Despite the hotel being deserted it doesn’t stop creepy children riding tricycles around the hotel and slowly driving Jack mad. He realises (as any person would) that  he really needs to murder his family with an axe. He smashes through the bathroom door with said axe, but his pesky wife and son escape through a window. He chases after them but his son is a clever little tyke and leads Jack on a merry chase out into the snow. Jack ends up getting lost and freezing to death, leaving his new widow and son alive. Since his demise, they bought a sports car with the insurance money and lived happily ever after.

So, if anyone is thinking they have a hard life with their family just remember, it can always be a LOT worse.


About the Author

Eoin Friel
Eoin Friel
I grew up watching JCVD, Sly and Arnold destroy bad guys, blow things up and spew one-liners like it's a fashion statement. Action is everything I go to the movies for and the reason I came up with this site is to share my love for the genre with everyone.



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