Few things are more hilarious/frustrating than watching your favourite movies on prime time television when they have all of the swearing edited out and apparently a handicapped monkey has taken over writing duties.
Oddly enough they keep the violence on screen but heaven forbid someone might say something naughty.
Here are some personal favourite quotes from some classic movies edited for television. I’ve managed to find video clips for a few of them but others I couldn’t find anywhere.
1. Die Hard with a Vengeance: ‘Yippee ki-yay Motherfucker” has now been changed to “Yippee ki-yay Melon Farmer!” Melon farmer? Really? What did they do to deserve such a bum rap. Has anyone ever met a melon farmer? Not me. If you must insult the intelligence of the audience, at least come up with better substitutes than that.
2. Die Hard 2: It was a hard choice for this to be number 2 rather than number 1. “Yippee ki-yay motherfucker” is now “Yippee ki-yay Mr. Falcon.” Dude, what? Who the hell is Mr. Falcon and why does he deserve to be Yipee-kiyayed? Who came up with that? Pathetic, absolutely pathetic.
3. Die Hard 2: “Maybe you’re not such an asshole after all” “Sure I am, I’m just your kinda asshole!” is now “Maybe you’re not such a rascal after all” “Sure I am, I’m just your kinda rascal!” I hate when wascally wabbits take over airports.
4. Snakes on a Plane: “I’ve had it with these muthafuckin snakes on this mutha fuckin plane!” is changed to “I’ve had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane.” I always enjoyed watching Snakes fighting monkeys, although I could have sworn it was on a Saturday flight to Poland.
5. Scarface: “Where did you get that scar? Eating pussy?” is now much more family friendly “Where did you get that scar? Eating pineapple?” I hate when a pineapple scars my face…
6. Robocop: The guy robbing the shop with the old couple behind the counter; the robber originally says “Fuck me! Fuck Me! Fuck Me!” while firing his gun at Robocop. The TV version? “Why Me? Why Me? Why Me?!” Yeah, that’s much better…
7. The Big Lebowski: Not an action movie but this is too classic not to mention “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass” is now “This is what happens when you meet a stranger in the Alps.” I must say I’ve never met a stranger in the Alps but if it involves an anal invasion I’ll give that a huge pass.
8. The Exorcist: “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime” now reads “Your mother sews socks that smell, you faithless slime.” Oh no she didn’t!! I hate sewing socks that smell… actually has anyone EVER sewed smelly socks? Anyone? Nope, thought not.
9. The Usual Suspects: “Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker!”becomes the terrifying “Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother!” Here take this fork, because you just got served!
10. Lethal Weapon: “We bury the fuckers” becomes “We bury the funsters!” and “I’m a real cop, this is a real badge and this is a real fucking gun” becomes “I’m a real cop, this is a real badge and this is a real firing gun!”