June 12, 2014

The Harsh Realities of Being an Action Hero

We all love our action heroes, especially on this site; but how would they survive in the real world?

First of all, one thing that an action hero needs to have is a shed full of guns in their back yard; we’ve seen this in Commando, On Deadly Ground, etc. Surely the neighbours would be a tad suspicious that their kindly, giant, Austrian neighbour with a young girl has a shed full of weapons in his yard.

“Excuse me, sir. Why do you have an arsenal of weapons in your back yard?”

“Puny insects come to my haus, so I must terminate dem! I must crush dem and listen to the lamentations of their women!”

Never mind the fact that you’d need licenses for all those weapons. Who are you? Ted Nugent?

We’ve all seen the glorious “walking away from an explosion” scene in all of the classics; however, you try walking away from an explosion in real life in an uncontrolled environment. I can tell you that your arse will be hanging off a nearby tree and the rest of your body is spread over several States. Walking away from an explosion is not an easy thing to do, but if you can do it in reality then you truly are an action hero.

In reality killing/hurting people has consequences; sure we all wanna punch out the boss at some point for being a know-nothing bureaucrat, but instead of a screeching electric guitar soundtrack after you hit them, you get your pink slip instead. What gives? That’s not justice!

Take the recent Jason Statham movie Safe; he must kill about 100 people in it and yet he doesn’t ever seem to get arrested. They’re bad guys, therefore it’s alright to kill as many of them as possible. You try anything like that in real life? You ain’t a hero; you’re either getting a nice comfy seat on the electric chair or on soap duty in Chino.

Everyone loves a One Man Army, but really do you think this could happen in reality? Only in Commando, Rambo 2/3, etc could 1 man face an ENTIRE army of inept henchmen and walk away (in slow motion). If I were a villain, I’d be pretty pissed off that I’d bought an island/hollowed out Volcano/Compound/Wendy House and trained an entire army of morons to defend it. If one man can end it all for you then you don’t deserve to rule the world.

John Matrix is every bit the invincible hero and when the foolish villains decide to kidnap his daughter, he destroys every last one of them while uttering epic one-liners.

Try using some of the 80’s one-liners today and instead of people thinking you’re cool, you’ll get sued for slander or something. We all need to be politically correct, remember? SCREWWW YOUUU!!!!!

So there you have it, being an action hero ain’t easy, especially in today’s cynically tedious world. My advice is to use one-liners on a regular basis, probably don’t try walking away from an explosion and if you MUST have a shed full of guns, then make sure you keep it locked up safe away from the kiddies. “Not until your 13, sweetie.”

About the Author

Eoin Friel
Eoin Friel
I grew up watching JCVD, Sly and Arnold destroy bad guys, blow things up and spew one-liners like it's a fashion statement. Action is everything I go to the movies for and the reason I came up with this site is to share my love for the genre with everyone.

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