Here’s my sordid confession of the week; I had never watched this movie before until I picked it up on trusty VHS last week. It was certainly one of the more… interesting movies I’ve watched in my time.
In it Sho Kosugi plays the perfectly named Spike Sninobi who is apparently a ninja despite the fact he doesn’t really do that much ninja-ing throughout the movie. He also doesn’t die 9 deaths so the title has no meaning whatsoever. The plot involves two anti-terrorist agents who are assigned to free a busload of American schoolchildren in the Philippines who are taken hostage by terrorists.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in the pitch meeting for this movie. I’m sure copious amounts of alcohol or drugs (maybe both) were involved.
*hits blunt* “Bro we should totally make a movie about ninjas; they’re so hot right now. What’s the name of that guy who always plays ninjas?”
“Sho Kosugi?”
“Yeah man, he’s awesome. So we’ll get him and he can do some cool like ninja shit. Who’s that British dude that bangs all those chicks?”
“James Bond?”
“Yeah! We’ll rip off his opening theme tune to add some class…”
“Speaking of class, you know what else this movie needs? Midgets… with shades… who fight Spike Shinobi in a museum.”
“Fuck man, we’re gonna make so much money…”
I’m sure I’m paraphrasing somewhat but this is one of the most bonkers movies I have ever seen; it’s pretty terrible in nearly every way but nobody cares and neither will you. It’s one of the most entertaining flicks you’ll ever see but maybe for all the wrong reasons.
Kosugi smiles most of the way through the film likely thinking “I’m getting paid so I’m just enjoying the ride” and so do the majority of the supporting cast.
The acting is pretty rotten but there is plenty of action and an awesome villain who says “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA” a lot; at one point he even bursts some children’s balloons so we know he’s an asshole.
Another of the henchmen is known as Honey Hump who has the only afro big enough that you can see it from space!
The highlight however, has to be the main villain; the wheelchair bound Nazi named Alby the Cruel (Blackie Dammett) who has a pet monkey that wears diapers. That’s a sentence I never thought I would write but here we are and I think the world is a little better for it. He hilariously overacts and gives one of the best worst performances I’ve ever seen. His character also has one of the most bizarre yet satisfying bad guy deaths you’ll ever see; as he is running away from Spike Shinobi his wheelchair is caught by a grappling arrow and he is thrown from his wheelchair and trampled to death by a group of horses. Hey, it happens…
The best action scene is Kane Kosugi fighting a henchman and showing off his nunchuk skills. I still say we need more Kane Kosugi in modern action cinema as he has the talent to be a real action star.
If you’ve never seen this movie you really must check it out as it defies belief and even critical reviews. To round off check out the Kill Count below courtesy of Satanclaus.
