You Know You’re Watching a Steven Seagal Movie When…

Ah, Steven Seagal; I’ve been going through a phase of trying to watch all of his movies and I’m nearly there… I hope.

In his early movie career, I was genuinely entertained by movies such as Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Under Siege, Out for Justice and Marked for Death.

Over the past decade however, I’ve noticed a distinct pattern in pretty much all of his movies.

There are several things you should come to expect from every Seagal movie. These are as follows:

1) He is nearly ALWAYS an ex-CIA agent with mysterious connections to the organization.

2) His hair will never be out of place, even after getting in a fight with 20 bad guys.

3) He will never get remotely injured and is pretty much invincible.

4) His character will have an awesomely ridiculous name like Forrest Taft or Mason Storm.

5) He will always be wearing black or a ridiculous looking jacket (See: On Deadly Ground).

6) There will be some kind of Buddhist imagery in every movie from the past few years.

7) He will never display a single emotion. Ever.

8) One of the bad guys will describe him as the “best there is”.

9) There will never be an opponent who can match him in a fight.

10) There will probably be a fight in a bar.

11) When he runs, he runs like a girl.

12) He’s far too busy to finish a movie so expect him to be dubbed over. Badly.

13) He will use stunt doubles in fight scenes now, which are hilariously obvious because they can move the way he never could even when he was younger.

Am I still going to continue watching his films? You betcha, as all of the above are what makes his movies so damn entertaining.